A Time To Cry....

So in the last month death has been heavy on my mind. Our church community lost a wonderful man on father's day weekend. I cried all day Friday....for him, his family, his wife, his friends, and our whole community. Walt has been fighting cancer for the last 10 years and no one did it better than him. I planned the reception after the funeral so I didn't get to go as my husband and I were busy setting up for the 400 people that attended his funeral. I am saddened that I didn't get to go to the funeral but at the same time I went to the vigil the night before and that was hard for me. The hard part wasn't that I lost Walt cause I knew him and loved him and his wife but there were many more who would feel the loss more fully. The hard part for me was watching the grandkids. I was raised by my single mother with help from her parents. I was close to my mother and my grandmother but I was closest to my grandfather. He died the day after my 22nd birthday. For those of you who know me you know what a difficult time for me that was. I was 22 and I was without the man who raised me. The person that I depended on most in my life. He had seen me through so much but yet I still needed him to see me through more. I looked at Walt's grandkids and non of them were older the 10 and all I could think of is that they would miss out on one of the best relationships in the world. Now I know that my relationship with my grandpa was different than most but I also know that Walt was one of the best. Losing Walt was hardest for me because I went through some of the grief of losing my Grandpa again. I miss him so much that even after all these years....7 to be exact...I still think of him everyday. I still pick-up the phone to call him anytime I am big. I keep his picture in my wallet and my office and tell everyone that see them what a wonderful man he was. I cry for him a lot. I sometimes feel lost and abandoned when things are going wrong cause I can't talk to him or have him hug me. Recently I lost a pregnancy and all I wanted to do was go to his house and hide from the world while he took care of me. I wanted him to tell me it would be alright. But he is gone and I won't hear his voice to calm me or give me advice. Losing a parent is hard. I always thought I was lucky...I had my Mother and my grandparents. That was like having three parents and the three of them are the reason I am the person I am today...both the good and the bad. The downside to having three parents (two of which are your grandparents) is that it is a loss that you feel sooner than most and 3 times. I lost my grandmother at the age of 18. I was prepared as we knew she was sick but it hurt and I felt a pain that was heartbreaking and only helped by my mother and grandpa. When he was gone it was sudden and I literally felt like my world was caving in and I didn't know what to do. I wanted my grandma and grandpa but they had left me. My mother and I are closer than most. My fear is that once she is gone I will have a hole inside of me that will never heal. I pray that day never comes.

I hope that all the people in my life know how much I love them and I fear that they don't. But I just keep trying to show them. My grandparents showed me everyday how much they loved me and they keep showing me. When my son wants to cuddle or gives me a big hug for reason I know that they love inside of him was put there because my grandparents William and June loved their family and the love continues on long after they do.

I LOVE YOU GRANDMA AND GRANDPA!